5 / 30 / 2020 -

I'm not even sure if I should be writing right now or not.

My brain is...not in a good place. Paranoia is at an all-time high--I keep catching myself not breathing while lost in racing thoughts. I'm not even sure if I can begin to articulate what's going on in my head rn. There's so much going on in the world right now that it feels stupid to whine about insignificant things...

But it's when these sorts of behaviors crop up that I shut down and stop communicating completely. I've been hiding myself away and carefully calculating everything I do for so many years now (mostly stemming from harrassment irl, making me feel like I was being watched constantly) that I feel like I've been...idk, missing out on life? I'd like to think that enough time has passed that no one really cares how I live my life. Even if the paranoia is still there, I'm going to still write. Just to prove to myself that I still can.

My mom helped me get my AC unit into the window this week and I'm sooo grateful! The summer heat is here in full swing. The garden is starting to look really beautiful though~ The lily of the valley patches we have at the back of our yard are all blooming. I picked some and I'm trying out some different drying methods in attempts to preserve them. The cute bell shape is one of the best parts of the flower, though...so I'm not sure how well it will work? At least it smells really good. I picked a little bouquet for my altar~

Finished watching The Midnight Gospel. I really loved it! But the ending made me cry like a baby, lol. ;w; Just about finished with mom's birthday present, too. I was super anxious about getting it done in time, but it looks like it's coming together! Still don't really like my painting skills, but...well, I tried my best. I'll take a photo of it for my next entry!

I've had to do a lot of chores at my grandfather's house. The nice thing is that I get to play with the geese when I visit~! They're getting a little too comfortable with humans though. They come running up so close to me that they're almost eating out of my hands... which is cute until you notice their pointy teeth...

Still working on code for the site. I have a new page that I hope to publish by next entry! It's a totally brand new thing...Maybe that's bad because I still haven't finished my Alice shrine, but my attention span is limited, lol. Still, little by little, things are coming along. I'm trying really hard not to get caught up in the little details, and just take things day by day.

5 / 26 / 2020 -

I've been buying lots of gifts this past week. I ordered my mom a vintage ceramic dish from Etsy for her birthday that's coming up, and I'm browsing for something to give to my friend for her birthday. Gift-giving is already hard enough, let alone with the complications of a pandemic on top of it...I keep finding the perfect thing and then realizing it's shipping from overseas! I don't know if worldwide shipping is available just yet, so I've decided to stick to finding stuff being sold in the US. Which ended up being harder than I thought... But!! It's a good exercise in supporting small businesses. And I think I managed well enough! Just have to stop overthinking my choices...I get so fussy and anxious trying to find the "perfect" gift, lol...

Memorial Day weekend has been...weird. I can't believe it's almost June! It's probably a bit selfish to admit that - I think for many people, time has dragged on so slowly, but...even with the lockdowns, it feels like I blinked and a whole month passed. (Probably because I was already a neet...)

Sleep has been evading me lately. My PMDD has made my schedule so erratic...and it seems like I had such a good track record this past month, too! I do anything and my body aches...It's so depressing. Almost blacked out at least 3 times just puttering around the house. But I have to be patient--It's a struggle, but I have to accept that my body just has rough patches sometimes, and there are times where all I can do is rest. Even if I hate it. I want more energy!! ;____;

Despite all of this, I've been painting a bit--finally got started on the painting I had planned for my mom for Mother's Day (better late than never?). It's slow going--mom always says I should be a painter, but I'm absolutely god-awful at it!! Even back in highschool, when I had painting assignments in art class, I'd always have to finish them at home because I was just so slow. I'd cry because I'd just get so frustrated! But...for mom's sake, I'm going to try again. I'm painting pansy flowers and ribbons. Here's hoping she likes it!

Been watching The Midnight Gospel on Netflix and really enjoying it. Also found a torrent for an old musical from the 70s called "The Slipper and the Rose", based on Cinderella--I'm not fond of musicals so I'm not sure if I'll actually enjoy it, I just want to see it for the costume design, LOL. No time for movies today though: I'm stuck doing yard work, and the summer heat seems to be here to stay....

5 / 20 / 2020 -

I did it!! I finally did it!! I finally figured out the mystery behind this childhood memory that was plaguing me for years!! I feel like I could cry... I've harrassed everyone irl who would sit still long enough to listen to this story, so I'll tell it here, now:

Ever since I was very little, I've had memories of this computer game I really liked. It was the sort of game that came with a plastic playset that attached to the computer--there were a lot of games that used this gimmick in the 90s/early 2000s, and a lot of them had playsets that clipped on to the keyboard (I had this Easy-Bake Oven one that I also really liked, but that's getting off topic...). But this one plugged into the side of the computer. It was fairly large, and came with a bunch of little pieces: it was a garden scene, with stepping stones and a gazebo in the corner. There was a girl with pigtails and a bunch of little animals. You'd slide the animals around the board, and they'd move on the screen with you. I particularly liked the opening scene, where the girl was skipping across the stepping stones, and her stuffed animals magically came to life to play with her (hence the animal figurines you could move around the board). I was so little, and I truly thought that if I had my own garden, that I could bring my stuffed animals to life. My mom had to sadly confess to me that magic wasn't real, and that wasn't going to work.... *snort* XD

Anyways, years passed, and...for some reason, this game completely faded from my life, and from my memories. I couldn't remember what it was called, or what the gameplay was even like. Just that there was a garden, and vague memories of the magical stepping stones...

As an adult, I've managed to hunt down just about every random memory I had from my childhood. From ancient TV shows to ultra-rare computer games: I'm decent enough at Google-fu that I could usually track these sorts of things down. But not this damn game. It's taken years, and it seems like I tried all sorts of different word combinations to try to find it. I'd ask my parents about a computer game that came with a garden playset, and they'd just have no idea...but, just today, I finally came across it...!!

The game was called "Ellie's Enchanted Garden". Er...well, it was technically labelled as an "interactive playset" (which is maybe why I could never find it, because I always searched for a PC game...), released by Zowie in 1999. I finally found the title by typing in the magic combination of words into Google, and found this wonderful blog post with photos of the playset I haven't seen in so long, and detailing the gameplay that I couldn't remember.

While just unearthing what this game was is a huge weight off of my shoulders, I still have a nagging desire to see more of it...because there's absolutely no gameplay footage of it anywhere ! I was truly hoping to see what I had missed all these years, but all I can find is this short commercial for it...

It's better than nothing I suppose. But I think I'll start hunting on Ebay for it...As of now, I can't even find an old listing for it, lol. It's like it's a cryptid, or something...But, I'd like to think that if I'm meant to ever see it again, I'll manage to get my grubby hands on it, somehow! (And I need to learn how to build an old Windows PC to run it on...)

Thank you for reading this silly story. I figured Neocities folks would be able to understand my excitement for nostalgia. Next entry will be more exciting, hopefully!

5 / 19 / 2020 -

My friends and I had another video chat on Zoom. I think I'm finally getting the hang of that cursed app, lol~ It was much more fun than last time! The topic of our highschool reunion came up--something that I'm not terribly fond of thinking about, but everyone else seems to love. Our 10 year anniversay is coming up...and I'm very grateful that the pandemic will probably cancel any festivities. Though I'm not sure if anything would have happened at all, anyways: our student council that was supposedly in charge of organizing that stuff seemed to have disappeared from the face of the earth (??? I guess?? According to my friends that still use facebook anyways, but they have a flair for dramatics...) and asbolutely nothing was done for our last reunion.

I'm not terribly fussed, but my friends are pretty upset about it. I just can't understand why...? Idk. Highschool wasn't really all that great. I'm lucky that I've been able to keep in touch with the few people I actually cared about during that part of my life. There's a tiny handful of people that I wouldn't mind reconnecting with, sure, but...the trade-off of having to accidently come into contact with some monstrous people who made my life hell back then doesn't seem very good. I'm nostalgic for being a dumb kid with tons of free time and the world at her fingertips--who isn't? But I don't miss it enough to want to go back to "the good old days". Not at all...

Been trying to do a little cleaning. I had a lot of old computer games packed away that I completely forgot about! Don't know how I'll play them, though--I'm thinking about digging out my grandmother's ancient laptop to see if I can play any of them on there. I really wanna play Creatures and this My Little Pony game again~!! ;w; My new vacuum cleaner came in the mail, too. I've got all of the pieces out of the box, but I haven't conquered the task of putting it together yet...

I've got this nagging feeling that I'm just an alien pretending to be a human. Been having some wild dreams and just feeling kind of "out-of-body" in general. It seems like I keep finding myself in these petty little disagreements with my parents that I can't understand. I've been exhausted with my period and I suppose they're still cranky over the quarantine...

Still, I went on a drive with my mom this morning--we checked up on my grandfather, and visited my grandmother at the cemetary. Got ourselves some fancy drinks from Dunkin, lol. It was so serene. There's so many pretty flowers blooming now~! I hope the nice weather brings better moods for everyone~

5 / 16 / 2020 -

Another trek out of the house was made! I had to go pick up my meds at the pharmacy. Got bundled up in my mask and gloves. Mom tagged along too because they sometimes sell puzzles in the toy section (she's blowing through her puzzle collection fast...) This month there were actually other customers in the store. It was my first time having to carefully step around people in attempts to ~*social distance*~. But otherwise it was just fine--I picked up some hard candies and extra cough drops.

The weather has been beautiful in the early mornings - but the evenings are scalding hot!! It feels like summer is already here. I hate it, lol... The air in my room gets so thick, even with the windows open. It's too early to set up the AC, though. I'm trying to survive until the next cold spell comes in a few days...

The peas I started from seed all died from too much sun! Except just one. Mom and I went shopping yesterday at a garden center. We have a few more veggies to plant: cucumbers, sugar snap peas, squash, and tomatoes...and she let me get some lavender to start a little herb garden with! I'm really excited about that~ I can put it next to my one lonely pea sprout, haha~

Somehow, the internet has been getting on my nerves lately. Well, not the whole internet, just popular social media...Most of you out there reading this are probably sighing and muttering: "Well...DUHHHH!" LOL~ :p Yeah, the internet has sucked for a long time. That's no big surprise. But I thought I was managing it well enough by interacting with it in small doses. Twitter is now the one addiction that I can't seem to break--I think the only thing holding me back from doing a social media "cleanse" is feeling like a social pariah. Deleting Tumblr isolated me from my friend group for a bit, before they got used to the change. It's super sad, but honestly the main way I communicate with them is through the latest meme/fandom thing they're into...My best friend and I are able to have much closer conversations, but sometimes I find myself struggling to be polite with the rest of the group. Feels like communicating in an alien language sometimes... I'm worried that if I delete my Twitter account, then I'll totally be "behind the times" and not be able to keep up in conversations at all.

At the end of the day, Twitter just hasn't been bringing me as much amusement as it used to: it's too easy to get caught up in the drama and heartache around the world right now. These current events are truly bringing out the worst in people. And when something doesn't bring you joy anymore, well...it's time to reconsider it, right? (I feel like this is a silly conversation to be having about myself and my friends, especailly when we're all halfway to 30, ha...)

I found a field of buttercups behind my grandfather's house. It was so beautiful. I picked some and have them pressed in a book right now. Tiny hidden sunshine.

5 / 12 / 2020 -

Sorry I haven't updated in a hot second - I would have written sooner, but my mood has been just awful. Quite a bit has happened since my last entry, but...none of it is good, lol. I still view my site as a sort of 'safe haven'--For myself and possibly for others...I want people to feel happy when they come here, so I've avoided getting really deep and negative on here, if I can help it. But...that's not very honest, is it...? Shouldn't I be more open in this thing I call a 'diary'...?

Anyway, there's...been a lot of fighting in my household. Not really invovling me, but between my parents. They should have divorced years ago, honestly - but now that the world is falling apart, a lawyer is the last thing they can find right now...The close quarters is driving everyone crazy, that's understandable. But my dad is becoming more and more unstable as time goes on...I've always been afraid of him and his mood swings, ever since I was a little girl.

I dream of days when I can finally escape, and maybe start living life as a true and proper ~*adult*~ out on my own. My last therapist theorized that my anxiety might improve once I finally stepped back from my family a bit. But I don't know how that's going to happen now. I just don't know about anything. The future feels...unattainable. And maybe it was always going to be something of a dream, for someone like me. But it used to easier to pretend that better things were coming.

Anyway, I'd like to think I'm feeling a little better today. Got to see my grandfather last night, and had a long cuddle with his cats. The canadian geese that live in the backyard pond had babies! They're getting big so fast! And I finally took the new blanket I ordered out of the box (which had been quarantined on the porch for about 3 days) and washed it. It's sooo big and fluffy~! Even got in a short hike in the woods with my mom this morning...my foot seems to be healing up pretty fast--I'm grateful!

As a quick side note, before I sign out: it seems like all of us in the household have had the sniffles this week. Mom keeps saying she feels like she's getting a cold. Even my brother seems to be playing sick at his day program--I thought he was just wanting to play hooky lol, but they've sent him home twice. He's been rubbing his eyes a lot. I've been suffering from my allergies all month, so I haven't noticed much of a change with me...other than maybe sleeping more than usual? Idk. I'm hoping this is all meaningless stuff I'm noticing, and not...anything worse. Figured I should jot it down just in case.



5 / 8 / 2020 -

I think I may have broken my toe.
Or at least sprained it. Idk, I'm not a doctor...

I feel so f*cking stupid, ugh. I tripped on a door frame and fell straight on my face. Unfortunately I happened to be holding a half-eaten cup of ramen at the time, so the contents of that also flew and landed right on the wall. My dad happened to see it and was an ass about it. Asking "what the hell's wrong with you?"...Uhh, idk dad, I like to throw ramen at the wall and writhe in pain on the floor for fun?! What do you think?! Needless to say, it really ruined my day...I don't want to get too deep into my dad's antics because we've never ever gotten along well...

As for my foot--the pinky toe is the problem area. I keep telling myself that at least it's not an important toe...?! LOL. But it hurts like hell. And this morning the bruise seems to be spreading across my foot. I'm trying to keep my weight off of it, so I've been limping everywhere. It seems stupid to attempt to see a doctor over this during a pandemic, soo...I'm just gonna try to ride this one out, I guess. Feeling pretty dumb over this happening in the first place... But...what can you do, right...?

So my mom took that trip to my uncle's apartment in the city without me. She went with my aunt instead. I can't be too jealous, because it's Mothers Day this weekend and this is a sort of 'mini vacation' for her - she deserves a weekend away from all of us, lol. It's a bummer, though, I really would have liked to have gone along...but at least I have time to figure out her present! So far I've painted her a rock with a tiny hummingbird and flowers on it. Wish I could have gotten her something more worthwhile, but...maybe when regulations start to lighten up here, I can get her something better...

The full moon was in Scorpio last night. I wanted to sit down with some incense and my tarot cards and do a little ritual, but the Vibes just felt...Bad. I just feel terribly unlucky this week! My mood has just been so sour. Thought that it wouldn't be any good to do any magickal workings when not in a good headspace, so I didn't do anything.

Hopefully next entry will be more interesting - or at least more hopeful. Sorry.



5 / 4 / 2020 -

So the other night I had this dream.

It was like I was experiencing three different planes of existence at the same time - they'd flip through like flicking through TV channels. In one, I was sitting in my room in the dark playing Animal Crossing (big surprise, lol). In another, two of my friends came barging in, fairly distressed but trying to reassure me. One had her pendulum and the other was shuffling tarot cards. "You need a cleansing, there's some kind of entity in here," they told me. I can't quite remember what the third scenario was: I think it maybe had to do something with water, like being at a lake...? Near the end of the dream, I was pawing away at waves of water. It was like I could see these other worlds through the reflections, and I was clawing at these golden threads under the water, trying to break free.

When I finally snapped awake, I entered a sort of sleep paralysis. This happens all the time so it wasn't terribly shocking, but it felt like the hallucinations took forever to go away. It always feels like I'm underwater - I see the reflections of ripples, and everything's just kind of...fuzzy? Vibrating? But the worst is when I start seeing the red spiders. I don't even know if I can call them spiders, they're more like...wildly flailing balls of squiggles. But they always fly at my face!

So that night, as I slowly broke free of my paralysis and tried to wake up fully, I stumbled over to my table with my meds on it. The red spiders are still flying around for whatever reason. I kept thinking to myself "If I can just go about my business, and pretend everything is normal, the hallucinations will eventually go away..." And I went to take my next dose of meds as I usually do. But I felt off - I almost cut myself with the pill cutter, I was fumbling everywhere.

I managed to take my meds and lay on my couch to play on my ipad until I get sleepy again. But then it hits me - I totally took the wrong pill!! At least I think I did, anyways. Honestly, I have no idea what truly happened. Maybe I just psyched myself out, maybe I actually did take the wrong pill, idk. Anyway, it felt like nothing was real and I was in another dimension, and that I was going to die.

But I woke up in the morning feeling fairly normal, so...things are okey-dokey.



5 / 2 / 2020 -

New month, new diary section! I've always wanted a super organized blog like this - hopefully the layout isn't too confusing to navigate...? Sometimes when you dream up something in your head, it somehow comes out different in the code. But I'm proud of myself for actually writing enough to justify a whole new section! Ha!! (even if it's only because of the stay-at-home orders...)

The little pea sprouts I started from seed a ways back have started to get pretty big! And by big, I mean only like, 3-4 inches tall, lol~ Mom helped me plant the healthiest looking ones out in the garden. She taught me how to properly weed, and how deep to put the sprouts in. Ripping out weeds and digging holes is really satisfying! (Though I think if I had to do more than a few feet of garden, I'd eat those words, hahaha) Still, it was really nice. And I feel like I'm really learning a new skill! We're hoping to get some more veggies to grow when it's closer to summer!

Dad's been spending a lot of time fishing on the river down the road. He's actually bringing back fish! Nothing huge, but he's caught two rainbow trout so far. He cooked one up and we ate it for lunch. The taste is pretty good! I wasn't sure what to expect (also I doubt his cooking skills sometimes...) but the taste reminded me of salmon. Kept almost swallowing the tiny little bones though. But I suppose boneless fish is a luxury...? I'm going to write it off as part of the experience, lol.

In my mind, this all another part of preparing for the incoming food shortage and possible apocalypse. Maybe that's a little dramatic (hopefully things don't get as bad as all that...? ) but...I've just had this nagging feeling - It's hard to put into words. Over the past year, I've felt a really strong pull to learn more about self-sustained living and being more environmentally friendly. It's made me realize that I barely know anything at all about...well, surviving! I'm hoping the more I start learning: gardening, cooking, building...that the more independent I'll feel and become. I think it's a good goal~!

Other than that, not too much else has been happening lately. My days are spent talking on discord with friends, while going back and forth between coding and Animal Crossing. I just unlocked terraforming!! Now I'm trying to breed a ton of pink flowers for my gardens~ Today I built a secret hot springs bath in my island's cliffs while listening to Evanescence nightcore. Next up is to build a cafe, a greenhouse, a bandstand, a rave dance floor... :)